If you’re unlucky like me and happened to buy a new iPhone 3G with a contract less than 30 days from the release of the new one (on or after 20th of May), AT&T will allow you to either 1) Pre-order and pay for the new one now, then exchange the old for the new on the 19th when they arrive (you will have to pay a restocking fee which varies by location, in Chicago it’s about $40). 2) If you can find a new iPhone in stock at an AT&T store before the 30 days expire, you can just trade them (and once again pay the restocking fee) without having to front money like you do with the pre-order. 3) Have $100 credited to your wireless bill in the next cycle.

These all seem like reasonable options to me. I’m glad that AT&T has chosen to do the right thing and not screw the unlucky among us. There are a lot of rumors flying around and very little actual information about this, but i can absolutely assure you that what i’ve said is true. I’ve already preordered the new one (16GB) for $199. If you don’t believe me, just give your local AT&T store a call.

It’s almost that time at last.

. . . because you want to be on a boat, don’t you?

My first impression? Hey Celia, weren’t you in that book Beowulf?

And my second:

Holy shit Jay! What’s up with the body armour? I know it’s New York and all, but. . . like. . . i mean. . . what the fuck?!?!

. . . and just to prevent further burning of my retinas, i’m not even going to include the picture with the disturbing camel toe.

The semi-final part of the episode doesn’t really hold any interest from me, so i tend to ignore most of it. Good riddance conspiracy bitch!

I have some general impressions:

Sandra: Shut the fuck up and go back to Maryland! Yeah, she’ll be with us longer than we’re comfortable, just for antagonism’s sake. Not too long. The producers want us to like those that’ll be with us for a while, at least for now.

Celia: I don’t dislike her, and she definitely has a passion for modeling. She also seems to know what she’s doing. Sure, she’s 107 in model years, but that won’t slow her down. . . oh wait. . . yeah it will.

London: She’s interesting. We’ll get to know her better as the show goes along. Of course that means i think she’ll go along with the show. Top three. Here she is tripped out on acid:

Isabella: In my notes i wrote, “hot, epilepsy” Unfortunately, your average fashion show resembles a cross between a rave and a press conference. Have you ever heard of a model out on disability?

Jessica: Jessica’s our hot latina this cycle. And she was sent home!

Fo: Apparently Fo’s a preschool teacher. May the freckle face force be with her.

Tahlia: TyTy! Just because someone struggles with adversity does not make them a model. Sorry for the confusion.

—–And now for a word from out sponsor—–

Question: How many lines to camera did McKey have in her first covergirl commercial?

If you answered “zero” then you are correct.

What about the second?

None of course, but as a small consolation prize we got to she what she’d look like if she were doing a radio interview without hearing her.

—–Onward to the next episode—–

London (again): Growing on me, i gotta say.  I almost want to root for her.  But wait. . . they doomed her in the very first episode, “she doesn’t have the right proportions.”  They’ll string her along till the end because she’s a likeable charactor.

Natalie: Cute.  She does look like a model, but the way she freaked about her hair has me worndering.  Would you ever hear a model on Project Runway crying like that about having their hair changed?

Allison: I had to take a while to sort out how i feel about Allison.  Clearly she’s from the planet Zarktaw, but it’s an undeniable fact that alien makes a model.  I think she’s going to be a toned down version of last cycles Marjorie, she may go top4 or out next week.  Soon we’ll find out whether it’s luck or natural talent (because it’s sure not experience).

Interesting to have Nole Marin as a judge. He was okay, except for the damn dog-in-a-bag.  It makes me think back to Janice.  I’d like to see her critique these girls. They’d crumble to pieces. There will never be another cycle 4; that’s for sure.

All in all, i have to admit it’s going fairly well for a New York based even numbered cycle.

It’s time once again for the CW to offer us the hilarity of others’ stupidity that is ANTM.  For those of you keeping score, that makes this cycle 12.  Bad news,  it’s even number, bummer. . .  Maybe they’ll break this 8 cycle streak. . . no. . . no they won’t.

Okay, it’s very important to stress that i make no predictions of any kind, that said here are my predictions:

Ummm. . . .

Actually, screw this;  i’m not going to make a pick until after the first episode.  No man shalt live on fourfour alone.

chnap – (noun) -[shnap]  The quick nap that all Chicagoans take in between stops on the ‘El’.

It’s taken me a long time to come up with some term to describe the quick naps that i’ve noticed myself and those around me taking on the trains.  It’s not very common on busses; there’s something about the noise the train makes.  People very seldom sleep through their stop.  In fact, many people perk up just a bit at each stop and simply chnap while the train is moving.

I couldn’t think of any good terms, so i asked my friend Justin for help in naming this phenomina.  He suggested “snap” because as he put it, “it’s a nap that only lasts a ’snap’.”  I wanted it to really say Chicago, but the connection is tenuous at best.  Worse still, in so doing i’m afraid i’ve made it lame.  I want something about it to really say Chicago.  It’s unacceptable to let this phenomena remain unnamed.  Does anybody have any better ideas?  Do you actually like it?  [I didn't think so, don't worry, my feelings aren't hurt. . . okay, maybe they are a little] So, can you do better?

Ouch!! I took quite a spill on that one. I feel kinda like the U of M football team. The leading criteria for selection as ANTM, clearly is impredictability. Fucking seriously!! Samantha’s bow-legged. WTF was she doing as a finalist?!!! Gee Mckey. . . you kinda forgot to mention that, “I’ve been trying to model since i was twelve.” I was mad about Anya. I’m fucking incensed at this one!!

The reason i’m mad, i think is because this time i picked someone who NEEDED their help. In the past, i always picked who i thought was the best model. If i’d used that approach, i would have chosen Mckey, and they would have agreed, i guess. Analeigh isn’t going to make it as a model on her own, but she damn-sure can do anything that winning Top Model requires. I totally disagree with Paulina this time, i think that this was a great Covergirl picture.

“It’s so painful to know that it just could be over. . . so fast.” Yes it is, Analeigh, and it’s a little painful to watch too.

Ever notice that every guest on the show likes Analeigh more than the panel ever seems to? In the final commercial she was supposed to steal a kiss, but one was stolen FROM her. (not as though i blame the fellow. . . i’d like to believe i’d do the same thing in that situation)

See Samantha & Mckey? Feel a little anxiety there? This is what Marjorie feels like every fucking second of her life.

What the fuck is up with Mckey’s Kowala? That belongs back in cycle 7.

AAAAAAA!!!!! An alien space wasp!!  KILL IT!!! KILL IT QUICK!!!

Top Models in action: finally a way to tell that i do a better job at picking models than “the panel” does.

The one constant, i have to say is that i never agree.

Question without answers:
What period of time does each “week” of the show take place over?
How long does it take to film the entire cycle?
Do they have off days?
How long does each critique actually last? (some of it is obviously always cut)
Do they have ANY access to outside media (newspapers, TV news, 1nterw3bz, etc)?

Aside from teaches, challenges, or photo shoots; can they ever leave the house? (my guess is no, since they want to perpetuate the stress that being together every second of every day creates).

I really like that they did confessionals in the attic of their house in Amsterdam. It’s a nice background.

Analeigh is so cute. What can i say? She is like frosting and cotton candy and lollipops and pixie stix, well. . . maybe not pixie stix, but she might rot your teeth. I really like her. She seems a genuinely good person, or at least she comes across that way. . . . and the girl just so happens to be a natural actor too. What more could you want? But wait! Just like Sham-Wow: there IS more: she has the most graceful turn at the end of the runway. It’s hot! The girl’s amazing in my not so humble opinion. I have to agree with Paulina in one regard, though: she’s really not naturally very photogenic in still pictures, and that hurts her chances of having a “real” modeling career.

I’m pretty damn sure that Marjorie was a little toasty at panel when she was eliminated. I bet she’s glad she was too. She said, “I have to LOOK relaxed at panel.” I SO expected the panel to call her out: “Marjorie! Are you drunk?” Ty-Ty could inquire with scolding authority. Mr. Jay did for a second, but then backed away after Marjorie didn’t really answer. The sad part is that if you listen real carefully, you can almost hear the gears of Marjorie’s brain. “Wow!. . . wine makes me WAY less nervous, in fact, i feel normal for the first time in my life.” <click> -> alcoholism. I’m not trying to insinuate that Marjorie’s never had wine before, of course. Poor Marjorie, you just can’t win. “Oh. . . you’re too nervous and fidgity; you won’t be able to book any jobs.” or “. . . now that you’re calm, you’re boring and we don’t like you anymore.” What a pity. Of course she could never win anyway, and this was her time to go. I hate to say it, but i’m a little sad to see her go.

Samantha’s going to be the first one eliminated tomorrow night which will be a welcome relief because her voice is like nails on a chalkboard for me. I find her personality frightening. Just imagine what that girl’d act like drunk! That being said; this picture is HOT!

McKey talks out of the side of her mouth, and it bugs the shit out of me. I’m not even putting in a picture to show you; It freaks me out that much. (thanks a lot for pointing that out Chad) She’s already proven she can’t do commercials. Clearly, her potential lies in the editorial. It seems to me that winning would quite likely HURT her career prospects.

That leaves us with Analeigh as the winner, in this: the most predictable cycle of Top Model. Of course that probably means it’s not gonna be that way. Have you noticed that the Covergirl commercials have devolved from something approaching a real commercial to a 30 second victory lap. None of Whitney’s commercials had her speaking to the camera. Almost all were voiced-over (with her voice), but it’s pretty pathetic, whatever the reason. The point i’m making is that there isn’t necessarily a particular trait that Ty-Ty’s looking for (unless you’re a tranny). Mckey could easily be a high-fashion model, and Analeigh could do REAL Covergirl commercials.

I don’t try to predict elimination order simply because it’s impossible. The criteria to win are contradictory: they want a model who’s editorial, high-fashion, and not-at-all commercial to do television commercials. Just to add irony to contradiction, most of the girls’ “teaches” involved catalog or commercial modeling.

Every cycle I wonder how many and which of the girls keep in touch with each other after the competition. Marjorie, you’re going to be lonely for a while when Analeigh flies to such international fashion capitals as Baltimore, MD.

This whole exercise begs the obvious and unavoidable question: How many cycles will there be?

* Note to Chad and Kehr: the reason this has gotten so much less humorous is because i don’t sit around and watch this show with you anymore. You’re hillarious observations made writing this so much easier. I put a lot of thought into these past few, and it still falls short.

Well, i’ve been slacking (actually, i’ve been moving and trying to get going in a new line of work) so i haven’t made my less than humble opinions known. Cycle 11, however is turning out far better than 10, so i have to throw in my $2 (inflation’s a bitch). In collaboration with ANTM university, my previous criteria for success were: “is she a model?” and “can she win?”. I’m going to have to add, “can she do a Covergirl commercial?” Clearly: that IS important.

It’s obvious, that one girl has “it”: Analeigh proved herself to be a fucking perfect, natural commercial spokesmodel. One of the few times i agree with Ty-Ty: “I was blown away!”

I really wish they had the commercial screen grabs on CW’s website, but they don’t so i had to make my own:

Unfortunately: It’s hard to tell how tall she is. Her runway walk is pretty damn good, but it just doesn’t matter if she’s short. She also isn’t the most photogenic:

In the words of fourfour, “Tapenga. There’s a red-light special on tapengas. It’s 3-for-1: tapengas, metal peace signs and patent leather pumps. Tapengas, get your tapengas heayah. They make great pencils.” But this contrast shows how far she’s come:

I expect she’ll be in the top 3, hopefully her first commercial wasn’t a fluke and she’ll be able to do it again. I pick her to win. (Lets be clear: that means i think she should win, not that she actually WILL; it’s a declaration, not a prediction.) Plus her role in that lesbianic relationship is quite intriguing to me.

___Top Models in Action___

It’s good to see that Katarzyna has been working. If you doubt that i believed in her, well. . . you don’t, if you’re reading this, you already know. It just the gratifying, “show’s what they know,” attitude that i sinfully perpetuate.

___Okay we’re back___

Would someone PLEASE just give Marjorie a Xanax. Come on! It’s almost cruel not to. Seriously.

Has anybody else noticed that ANTM has been doing a lot of confessional shots where the girls aren’t wearing ANY makeup? Sometimes it borders on shocking. Strangely, Marjorie wearing this stale makeup from the previous shoot is the most attractive i’ve ever seen her. Seriously, i think this screen capture is her best picture ever:

(yeah, i know, i need my head examined)
I really don’t think she could make it as a model, however. She’s this cycle’s Heather. I actually feel bad for writing that, i just don’t know whom i feel bad for. I don’t think she’s going to win. You have to do catalog, runway, or at least Covergirl commercials before you rise high enough in the modeling industry to do editorial. I don’t see Marjorie as a commercial model, do you?

Elina doesn’t love her mother who continues to provide for her (she lives with her mother, after all). Okay Elina, you can go home now. Oh, and while i’m ranting, living in Europe 11 years ago didn’t cause all your problems. Tattoos alone would eliminate most chances of having a modeling career. I’m really sick of the “cause a minute.” For once, just once, could you make something not be, “your cause.” In fact, here’s my cause: you don’t get a photo in my Blog. How’s that for punishment? You’re really hurting now, aren’t you?

I think Sam seems like a fun person, she has an innocent yet slightly off-color personality, but she’s trying too hard, and she’s too short, and so is this thought.

McKey: I really don’t know what to think about McKey. I feel like she just keeps getting lucky; i’m not sure. I do think, however that she’ll be in the top 3.

Sheena: She couldn’t turn the hootch down.

And she was sent home!
I’ll leave you with this final thought: Do you think they’ll have real go-sees this cycle?

What’s the difference between New York and Chicago?

In Chicago, not everybody has a black umbrella.